• F*ckgirls

Guest Post: How to Spot a Bisexual

Meg MacKay is a “scientist” with the Brandisford Institute for Crypto Zoology. A self-taught field researcher, she has studied the habits of the mythical bisexual for over two decades. Her book “Bisexuals: Myth or Mermaid?” goes on sale May 2nd from her cousin’s garage.

There is much lore surrounding bisexuality. Bisexuals, or “bi folk” are “curious” or “experimenting”. They “don’t want to fully come out as gay” or “having a good time in college”. They are simply “social” almost to the point of “latent alcoholism”. All of these points are true. Also none of them are.

Welcome to the Vortex of the Bi. Some say they aren’t real. I’m here to tell you, they are, I’ve seen them with my own eyes, and you can too.

A student of mine back in ’09 once asked me if being bisexual meant you were half man, half horse.

I told him “Jared, you’re thinking of a centaur.”

But then I thought, was Jared so wrong?

Much like Centaurs, Bi folk are half human, half something a little bit, dare I say… more? (Definitely not half horse though. Jared was expelled.)

The best way to learn about Bi folk is to catch one on your own. Below you’ll find a handy guide on how to spot, track, and trap your own bisexual to do your very own research. The truth is out there!

1. They walk among us almost undetectable.

The main trait of the Bi is they are able to camouflage themselves in a matter almost indistinguishable

2. They can be of any gender.

Bisexuality knows no gender. They are who they are and they love whom they love.

3. They especially love snacks.

This is a field-tested, irrefutable fact. Every single time we go on our Bisexual/Pansexual Catch and Release tours, we have a 100% success rate when we put out snacks. Hummus, Reese’s Pieces, Onion Dip, Cookies, all of it works. Anything you got. All we know is that if you put out a tray of snacks, anywhere indoors or out,** you’ll attract Bi folks.

**Note, if you put snacks outside, you’ll attract raccoons as well. Do not confuse a raccoon for a bisexual. Raccoons hate that.

4. They LOVE music.

From EDM to REM, 8 out of 10 Bi Folk we trapped reported liking, or at the very least listening to, some sort of music of some kind.

5. They have gills.

Really, the only thing that’s different between a bisexual and every other person is they for sure have real gills.

Happy Hunting! Please visit her website to sign up for the Bisexual/Pansexual Catch and Release Program at the Brandisford Institute every fifth Friday of the month.

Written by Meg MacKay