• F*ckgirls

The Art of Swiping Right - But Inevitably Swiping Left

Updated: Jan 25, 2018

It’s 2018, and the old days of courtship and boomboxes outside your window is long gone. It’s all digital baby. Cellular. By this point I think we’ve accepted it. We don’t love it, I don’t even like looking at my phone anymore, but I understand this is how it works now. And that’s a start.

But it’s not that easy. These are my tips on swiping right, but inevitably swiping left. Because what are the chances it would work out with him?

1. Does he have a cute picture with his mom?

A boy and his mom enjoying their cottage, it doesn’t get sweeter than that. If he has a photo like this it proves that not only is he a family man, but also that he is very calculating and manipulative. He knows that you think family is important, and he’s trying to appeal to your dream of having three children named Wilfred (2 boys, 1 girl). Hover your finger as if you might swipe RIGHT and then definitely swipe LEFT.

2. Does he share your taste in music?

Single Ladies? Hollaback Girl? Since You Been Gone? These are his favourite songs. And

they are your favourite songs as well. Your wedding playlist will be SO easy to curate. If you have this much in common, you probably have a lot of other things in common as well. You likely both like pizza and sleeping in and coffee and the outside (when the weather is perfect). But where’s the spark? Where’s the tension? Do you want to wake up every morning to a husband who doesn’t challenge you in the slightest. Because I don’t. Swipe LEFT with gusto.

3. Is He Literally The Hottest Person You’ve Ever Seen?

Okay. So he is very hot. Like so hot. He could message you just about anything or nothing at all and you would still like to meet him. MY WORD he’s actually so hot. If you matched you could have the night of your life. You would let him do anything to you. Like, anything. Oh shit, you would let him kill you. Show him to your friend and swipe LEFT :(


Okay. This guy really likes you (or it was an accident, but your bio is really charming so probably not). Wow he likes you. That’s a great start. Sure his photos aren’t great, but nobody is perfect, and in time you could grow to really love him. If you swiped RIGHT you could be signing off on a once in a lifetime, life-long, love of your life, type relationship. But that’s too much commitment! And your parents hate each other! Swipe LEFT and delete Tinder for a week.

That’s okay. Just buy a boombox and see if that leads anywhere.